REWRITE: We're the world's only customer satisfaction make-over crew. Is this a marketing service or a technical service? Also, the appearance of terms like "functional specification" and "supply chain" seem out of place. So what would need to happen to make your company something worth talking about by your customers? Comment: Too much biz-blab, which is why it doesn't really communicate what your company does. If you aspire to be market leaders you need to consider the end to end experience your customers will find irresistible and then design your strategy, align your operations and engage your people to deliver internally and along your supply chain. Total Flow specialises in helping organisations create products and services that wow their markets and then transform their business to deliver those to a predefined cost, quality, service and functional specification - every time. Rather than sounding like an HR wonk, you need to provide a service that makes HR into something the exec doesn't need to think about.ĮXAMPLE #3 ORIGINAL: We enable remarkability. (Sorry, HR folk!) That's why people want to outsource it. What's the best way to get on your calendar? Why It's Better: Nobody likes HR. For example: what your biggest human resource headache? I think we may be able to help you out there.or at least give you some quick pointers where to start. We help our clients with hiring, compensation, compliance, and training, so that they can spend more time focusing on what they do best, and less time hassling with human resource details. because even the best execs can't be all things to all people. Who can be good at everything? And there's no call to action. Plus, the repeat of "one stop shop" as a differentiator is both trite and ineffective. Comment: This is just a list of features but no benefits.
Basically, it is 'one stop shopping' for all of your HR needs.
WATCH ELEVATOR PITCHER GAY PORN FREE ONLINE PROFESSIONAL
Through a single relationship, you have access to HR services for the continuum of the employment life cycle: recruiting and professional placement benefits and compensation design compliance services organization development leadership training and coaching.
I added a pre-qualifying question to ensure that the acquaintance is actually a potential customer.ĮXAMPLE #2 ORIGINAL: Providium Human Resource Group is a 'one stop' Human Resource consulting and outsourcing firm. What's the best way to get some time on your calendar? Why It's Better: I removed all the jargon and vastly simplified the structure. What kind of project management training do you have in place? I'd love to spend some time talking about how we can train your folks to get their projects finished on time and on budget. We have a online course that companies like and colleges like have used to get their folk up to speed and certified as project managers. REWRITE: We make learning project management easy. The call to action is extremely weak who wants to be "expanded on"? Sounds like somebody sitting on your head.
Comment: Way too technical and the language is stilted.
Please contact me at xxx-xxx-xxxx and I will expand on what would be involved in the agreement. These courses provide between 38 and 25 PDUs towards your PMP certification requirement and I wished to speak to you regarding an opportunity for XYZ company and MindEdge to team up and offer these project management courses on a revenue share agreement. We are also a PMI REP and have developed self paced project management courses such as PMP Test Prep and PM for IT. Here are three that struck me as being particularly in need of work:ĮXAMPLE #1 ORIGINAL: MindEdge is a provider of online courses for academia, associations and corporations. A couple of weeks ago, in the post " Why Your Elevator Pitch Stinks" I promised to rewrite some elevator pitches sent by readers.